I feel like i'm the third wheel. Like no matter what I do i'm always going to be that person. The second choice. I feel like they rub their lives in me every five minutes, and then don't understand why i'm sad. I wish that there was someone who i could actually confide in. Someone who wouldn't judge me. Someone who would just listen. That person isn't ever going to exist for me. I'm just tired, tired of it all.

Confused

My life's always been full of ups and downs. Who's isn't right? Although I feel like these past couple months I have been the verbal and physical punching bag. It didn't matter how I felt or what I deserved. It only matter what was best for some one else. It's always my fault. The depression is seeping into my soul slowly, but surely. I'm losing myself. Or have these experiences only fueled my more. I'm not really sure which way to pu it yet.

I don't even know.

    All I want to do is cry. Who I was before, I feel like my life was so much better when I was that person. I feel like I totally fucked up my life. Like I trusted the wrong people entirely. When I need someone the most they're never there for me. I really just wish I had people that aren't family that cared. But I don't, And I never will. Because i'm not that person. I'm not the person that gets everything they want in life. I'm not even the person who if works hard gets some of what she wants. I needed them, and all they did was take her side. Well I guess that's not completely fair. There was a person who didn't care what she said or what I said he took his own side. I truly respect him for that. I couldn't have asked for a better thing than that. It gave me a small sliver of hope. That was kind of just crushed all over again when I realized none of it really matters. I feel like nothing really matters anymore. Like no matter what I do no one's going to ever care. I'm the person no one cares about. The person who lives life the best she can knowing she'll never be good at it. I can't stand the fact that I thought those people actually cared. I was a fool. That has been made adamantly clear. I came into the party late. I'll always be the person nobody wants there, that they just deal with. I'm going to stop wallowing in a pity party. It's not healthy. Well at least i'm going to try.

Life. Life is like an unanswered question that sits over our heads and taunts us everyday. Will you make the right choice? Will you totally mess up your life? I can't answer this question. You are the answer. Those questions should be totally irrelevant to us. Life shouldn't be about making others happy, it should be about making ourselves happy. I want to live in a world where it doesn't matter who's wearing what. Or who has the biggest house, or the most money. I want to live somewhere where personality is what's valued most. Although i'm not totally floating on cloud 9 over here. I know that it's impossible that these things will ever happen. Especially in my life time. Because it doesn't matter how hard we try for everyone to be equal. Our world will never be equal. There is always going to be someone who believes that they're better than everybody else. That no one but them exists. I just wish that life was more fair to that social outcast nobody believes in. They will be the one that strives the farthest. You know why? It's because all their lives they were told that they were nothing, and that, that right there is the best motivation in the world.

How?

    How did my life become so incredibly messed up? It was only a couple months ago that I was having the time of my life. Now all I want to do most days is cry. I don't know why everything changed so much. Why me? Why is it my life that always has to get all messed up. My parents, my school, everything is just falling apart, and I don't know how to stop it. I feel like a tornado hit my life, and quite frankly I have no idea how to pick up the pieces.

Hell

   My life right now is hell. I got into it with one of my closest friends. Now she's making my life a living hell. She's spreading rumors about me. Talking about me behind my back, and worst of all she told him.
As if it wasn't bad enough she got him to hate me. Today he confronted me. He said that she told him about my 'writings'. My heart nearly stopped. Right before it started beating so dang fast. She's trying to keep me from him. Quite frankly it hurts me inside for one that he'd believe her, and two that she would do this to me. I denied it. I always deny it. I almost wish that i'd told him the truth. Or told him off like they weren't about him. He's taking her side. It's bugging me. I know they have a history and everything. I don't expect him to stop being friends with her, oh, wait that's what he did with me. Hm, guess we know who he likes more. I wish I was one of those people that could just say well ell well. To hell with him. I can't though. There are very few people that I care about in this world, and unfortunately for me he's one of them. I don't need him in my life. I can find a replacement, but the thing is I don't want to. I want him. Or at least I wanted him. I'm not so sure anymore. He's being a jerk to me because of how I treated one of his friends. I guess maybe that just proves that he never cared about me.. Which kills me, but I guess that's life. So now school is a living hell. Thank you.

That one Dream ;)

 I'm having that dream again. That one where you're standing there and I leap into your arms. Or the one thanks to one of my friends. :) Of us making out. I really am a hopeless romantic. I'm really worried about you. His been in this funk today, and he won't tell me why. I need him to tell me. It's killing me inside. I really miss talking to him. We haven't talked as much lately. It's kind of killing me. I think him too. But I couldn't be sure. God those images have been stuck in my head. She thinks I should wait if i'm going to date you, but i don't think you like me. Well not like that anyway. You've always been my anchor. I can't loose you know. Not after all this. I need him. There are so many days I just want to run up and hug you. I know, however, that I can not do that. Well at least not without a lot of explaining afterward.

Shadows

   I live in the shadows with these great people who will never be able to shine through the darkness. We're all supposed to have this place in the hierarchy of life. They always say that rules are meant to be broken. Well at least some are.  Is this one that is supposed to be broken, or is it one that's supposed to be stuck to? To that no one will ever have a straight answer. I believe though that's all about what you want. If you're happy with where you are at in this hierarchy, Then so be it. Do nothing, live your life in peace and serenity.
  For those of you who want to break through the shadows. We have to ban together. Storm the castle if you will. We can't let them 'put us in our places'. As one of the great people in the shadows has recently told me, We have to fight for ourselves. With out doing that we will be walked on our entire lives. If you're okay with that then so am I. But personally I don't like being used. Told I'm not good enough. Being objectified because I'm not rich or popular. I'm just Done. Done with being just that girl in the corner nobody really sees. Sure I'm seen literally, but I'm done being just seen and not heard. It's time for something more than that. We've got to step out of the shadows. Break free of this curse. That's been bestowed upon us for centuries. We have to be done. We have to strive for light. Strive for ourselves.

 

Choices

    Life is like living in the middle of a fairy tale. Some of the stuff is reality, and the rest is well not. Some of the things we wish weren't a reality, are the things we can't ever escape. No matter how hard we try. How much we change. Reality will always be the same. It's just a matter of how you live that reality that matters. You can have the best life in the world, and still feel like you're in hell. While some "trailer park hill billy's" think they're living the life. It's all about what you do. So don't ever think that what you do doesn't matter. Because it matters more than anything on this Earth, that you could possibly imagine.

You.

    I don't know if I like you, or if we're just really good friends. I'm afraid to admit to myself that I do. Although that takes me back to that first sentence. We're really close, and I'm worried a relationship will ruin that. But I'm even more scared of you saying you don't like me the way I do you. I've been denying it for so long.  There are times when I'm sure you're the only person who has any chance of actually cheering me up. Then there is what mom said to me today. Date your enimies because then you can be a bitch when you break up. Not your friends because then you'll lose them. I don't want to lose him. Right now he's my anchor. He's holding me down. Keeping me from going insane. I feel I need you in my life, I'm just not sure as what right now..

I Need You.

    I really need someone right now. To help me through all the pain and suffering. But the problem is that I have no one. No one to turn my head to for comfort. No one to tell me i'm beautiful even when i'm an emotional wreck. I just want that one person who I can look forward to seeing every damn day. Just hold me like everything is going to be okay. The problem is, that I don't think you exist. At least I haven't been able to find you yet. I want to be the girl who can look past your flaws. To tell you I love you no matter what happens. Tonight I needed you more that ever before. Confiding in my mom was great, but as much as I love her. She can't be my emotional soundboard forever. I want to have that person. The person you can go up to after a long day, and just be with them. Without any explanation. Because they know that when you're ready you will fill them in on everything that they need to know. What happens when i'm at school. My mom's not there to be my sounding board. And that's where i'm most afraid i'll break down and they'll be no one to catch me as i'm falling. I know that in reality no one is perfect, but can't i have someone who's perfect in my eyes? The pain and anger and depression is building inside me. I don't want to break down. I can't handle that without you. Are there people I think might make the cut sure, but they don't feel the same. They may care about me. But they sure as hell don't express it. I think i'm waiting for something that'll never come. I'm withering away inside, and I have no idea how to stop it. I need someone to help me see the way. Something to go through each day for. Because right now I feel like i'm just going through the motions.