I feel like i'm the third wheel. Like no matter what I do i'm always going to be that person. The second choice. I feel like they rub their lives in me every five minutes, and then don't understand why i'm sad. I wish that there was someone who i could actually confide in. Someone who wouldn't judge me. Someone who would just listen. That person isn't ever going to exist for me. I'm just tired, tired of it all.

Confused

My life's always been full of ups and downs. Who's isn't right? Although I feel like these past couple months I have been the verbal and physical punching bag. It didn't matter how I felt or what I deserved. It only matter what was best for some one else. It's always my fault. The depression is seeping into my soul slowly, but surely. I'm losing myself. Or have these experiences only fueled my more. I'm not really sure which way to pu it yet.

I don't even know.

    All I want to do is cry. Who I was before, I feel like my life was so much better when I was that person. I feel like I totally fucked up my life. Like I trusted the wrong people entirely. When I need someone the most they're never there for me. I really just wish I had people that aren't family that cared. But I don't, And I never will. Because i'm not that person. I'm not the person that gets everything they want in life. I'm not even the person who if works hard gets some of what she wants. I needed them, and all they did was take her side. Well I guess that's not completely fair. There was a person who didn't care what she said or what I said he took his own side. I truly respect him for that. I couldn't have asked for a better thing than that. It gave me a small sliver of hope. That was kind of just crushed all over again when I realized none of it really matters. I feel like nothing really matters anymore. Like no matter what I do no one's going to ever care. I'm the person no one cares about. The person who lives life the best she can knowing she'll never be good at it. I can't stand the fact that I thought those people actually cared. I was a fool. That has been made adamantly clear. I came into the party late. I'll always be the person nobody wants there, that they just deal with. I'm going to stop wallowing in a pity party. It's not healthy. Well at least i'm going to try.

Life. Life is like an unanswered question that sits over our heads and taunts us everyday. Will you make the right choice? Will you totally mess up your life? I can't answer this question. You are the answer. Those questions should be totally irrelevant to us. Life shouldn't be about making others happy, it should be about making ourselves happy. I want to live in a world where it doesn't matter who's wearing what. Or who has the biggest house, or the most money. I want to live somewhere where personality is what's valued most. Although i'm not totally floating on cloud 9 over here. I know that it's impossible that these things will ever happen. Especially in my life time. Because it doesn't matter how hard we try for everyone to be equal. Our world will never be equal. There is always going to be someone who believes that they're better than everybody else. That no one but them exists. I just wish that life was more fair to that social outcast nobody believes in. They will be the one that strives the farthest. You know why? It's because all their lives they were told that they were nothing, and that, that right there is the best motivation in the world.

How?

    How did my life become so incredibly messed up? It was only a couple months ago that I was having the time of my life. Now all I want to do most days is cry. I don't know why everything changed so much. Why me? Why is it my life that always has to get all messed up. My parents, my school, everything is just falling apart, and I don't know how to stop it. I feel like a tornado hit my life, and quite frankly I have no idea how to pick up the pieces.

Hell

   My life right now is hell. I got into it with one of my closest friends. Now she's making my life a living hell. She's spreading rumors about me. Talking about me behind my back, and worst of all she told him.
As if it wasn't bad enough she got him to hate me. Today he confronted me. He said that she told him about my 'writings'. My heart nearly stopped. Right before it started beating so dang fast. She's trying to keep me from him. Quite frankly it hurts me inside for one that he'd believe her, and two that she would do this to me. I denied it. I always deny it. I almost wish that i'd told him the truth. Or told him off like they weren't about him. He's taking her side. It's bugging me. I know they have a history and everything. I don't expect him to stop being friends with her, oh, wait that's what he did with me. Hm, guess we know who he likes more. I wish I was one of those people that could just say well ell well. To hell with him. I can't though. There are very few people that I care about in this world, and unfortunately for me he's one of them. I don't need him in my life. I can find a replacement, but the thing is I don't want to. I want him. Or at least I wanted him. I'm not so sure anymore. He's being a jerk to me because of how I treated one of his friends. I guess maybe that just proves that he never cared about me.. Which kills me, but I guess that's life. So now school is a living hell. Thank you.

That one Dream ;)

 I'm having that dream again. That one where you're standing there and I leap into your arms. Or the one thanks to one of my friends. :) Of us making out. I really am a hopeless romantic. I'm really worried about you. His been in this funk today, and he won't tell me why. I need him to tell me. It's killing me inside. I really miss talking to him. We haven't talked as much lately. It's kind of killing me. I think him too. But I couldn't be sure. God those images have been stuck in my head. She thinks I should wait if i'm going to date you, but i don't think you like me. Well not like that anyway. You've always been my anchor. I can't loose you know. Not after all this. I need him. There are so many days I just want to run up and hug you. I know, however, that I can not do that. Well at least not without a lot of explaining afterward.